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at my parents
Mar. 17th, 2012 07:39 pmi was out at my mom's and bob's for the past couple of days. the weather was gray the whole time. the first night i felt quite good, but we watched "the descendants" and some of it hit too close to home regarding the death of my father. my mood has been flimsy and i'm prone to tearing up if the wind changes direction. why must the past haunt us with so many things? somehow i've managed to alienate or abandon everyone i knew in the last 4 years. eventually you become untethered, and life is perplexing. you stop believing that you can guide it. i caught myself feeling bad about the relationship with H, and the relationship with J and even Ib - who looked a little like rod stewart, when she didn't wear make up.
My 75 year old mom, who held me when my existence was only two cells. I can't put her through another attempt. I'm already 3/4 out of this. The last thing my shrink said was "it sounds like you need to start getting busy."
i suppose that is the point - that it's really time to put it all to bed. toughen up. just let go. past is past. and there are many things to do. the op-ed piece, checking into the psych malpractice suit, a job, the dishes and the laundry, reconcile with my brother, paint, write, research, let the universe become fascinating again, exercise, have a one night stand, meditate, cycle, initiate social contact, move out of this idiotic corner of brooklyn and back to the LES, or at least some neighborhood that doesn't require a bus ride. i did more painting in that little apt in the east village than i did this year in a giant workspace in red hook.
just be a little more protected deep down, so the floor doesn't drop out. stay on the meds. and watch out for the traps that have snared you in the past. other than that, you can risk everything.
My 75 year old mom, who held me when my existence was only two cells. I can't put her through another attempt. I'm already 3/4 out of this. The last thing my shrink said was "it sounds like you need to start getting busy."
i suppose that is the point - that it's really time to put it all to bed. toughen up. just let go. past is past. and there are many things to do. the op-ed piece, checking into the psych malpractice suit, a job, the dishes and the laundry, reconcile with my brother, paint, write, research, let the universe become fascinating again, exercise, have a one night stand, meditate, cycle, initiate social contact, move out of this idiotic corner of brooklyn and back to the LES, or at least some neighborhood that doesn't require a bus ride. i did more painting in that little apt in the east village than i did this year in a giant workspace in red hook.
just be a little more protected deep down, so the floor doesn't drop out. stay on the meds. and watch out for the traps that have snared you in the past. other than that, you can risk everything.
